Cassie Nova • 02-12-21 – Dallas Voice

If I were a rich queen …

Hello everyone. I just sat here crazy for not winning that big lottery a couple of weeks ago. Come on universe! Please let me win the lottery! With my luck, the day I win the lottery, I’ll fall over dead the next day. (Thanks Alanis Morissette for putting this on my mind.)

We all do it of course. We dream about what we would do if we suddenly became billionaires. Everyone says they’ll quit their jobs right now and never go back to work, but I don’t. (Or should it be “Not me”? … Who cares?) I wouldn’t quit my job.
Can you imagine the costumes I would have if I won the lottery? I would have a full-time employee who would make me pearl and rhinestone hooker dresses. I mean, I’m not going to change my whole aesthetic. You know “dirty, but shaped.

I would have so many big wigs! I mean, I do, but you can never have too many big assed wigs. I would have any color – mostly red – but never blondes. I look terrible as a blonde. It brings out the white trash inside of me and I’ve worked hard to get away from it.

I would also need some land for my home in Texas – something with maybe a few hundred acres – out in the country, but not too far out – so I could have a shelter. I would have a herd of goats that would produce artisanal cheese. We would take in abused and abandoned animals and give them the life they deserve. Of course, I would have a full-time staff to do the housework and stuff. I’m not exactly housework fish.

We’d also have a quaint little cottage off the coast of Maine on one of those cute little islands, something with maybe four or five bedrooms so we can soar up our friends and have some amazing weekend getaways, drink wine and whale watching. It would be close enough to Portland that we could still go to some fabulous restaurants and of course shop.

My husband’s dream is to buy a catamaran boat big enough to make a living and sail around the world. He is literally obsessed with this lifestyle. We spend hours watching YouTube videos of people who sold all of their possessions, bought a boat, and took off. I would like to be able to do that for him – and with him. When you love someone, their dreams become your dreams.

He helped me achieve my dreams of being a drag queen superstar. At some point I would like to support him in his dreams.
I would help so many of my sisters. Can you imagine the creativity some of my drag sisters could have if they weren’t constantly worrying about paying rent? Not that they aren’t turning it already, but how nice it would be to be able to focus on being creative without having to be creative about how you’re going to pay for your ideas.

The possibilities are endless.

Of course, I would donate to charities that mean something to me. In the past, I have donated by running and running fundraising campaigns for charity. But it would be so cool if I could donate a huge, insane amount so that the people who run these events don’t think about whether they’re going to achieve their goals. Trust me, I know how stressful this can be. My dream is to be like Shutterfly on Ellen and hand out huge checks as if they were candy.

I would buy houses for our mothers and make sure they never have to work again and that they have lots of money in their accounts to do what they want, whenever they want. My mother is afraid of retirement. She believes that when she retires she will die of boredom because she couldn’t afford to “do things”. I would make sure she stayed busy by traveling and doing what the hell she wanted to do. I hope she would just celebrate her ass off. Make them drink and go to the male strip clubs and let it rain on some hot greased men zez.

Maybe that’s something we could do together – a real mother-son relationship.

I think I would get butt implants. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a nice butt. I want a big old juicy booty, but unfortunately I suffer from the dreaded disease of the white boy, “noassatall”. I padded my ass to pull, but it would be nice if I ever started working that something wobbled back there.

We’d probably end up with a monkey. My husband always wanted a capuchin monkey. Yeah, we’d be these crazy ones. But since we’d be crazy rich, we’d be called “eccentric” instead of “crazy”.

Hell, we’re weird to have a giant tortoise. We might as well go crazy and have a monkey. I can only save dogs, donkeys, horses, elephants, turtles, pigs and everything else we need.

Oh dear God! We could have Christmas with snow anywhere! Snow that sticks and stays for more than a few hours! Hot toddlers by the fire, and I might even try skiing. It all just seems so strange to me. I also love winter clothes. I have so many sweaters and cute jackets that I’m rarely allowed to wear them because Texas.

We’d have a full-time cook – one who made us eat healthy food. He or she would be so good at making fabulous, low calorie, healthy foods that we wouldn’t even notice we were losing weight. The chef threw in surprising vegan or vegetarian options which were so amazing we never even realized we were eating plant-based. I think that’s what a lot of crazy rich people do. Oh, and we would also have a personal trainer who was motivating AND fun.

We’d treat ourselves to any car my husband wanted. He’d definitely be one of those guys with a huge garage full of Lambos and Vettes and F15000 – ok, I don’t know any technical jargon, but nice ones that go quickly. I would be happy with my Jeep Cherokee, but he would insist I drive something more elegant – like a Hummer. You know, something understated and reserved.

So if I ever win the lottery you may hear less from me, but you still hear from me. I will always feel the need to be on stage and I like to write so that Cassie is still there in one form or another. But until then, I’ll be rich here and in other ways.

Still, I set off to buy a lottery ticket – keep my fingers crossed!

Remember to always love more, complain less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova

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